My region does half year terms, which is a great way for members to get to explore a multitude of positions and encourages them to take chances. What it meant for me, however, is that after quickly rising up the ranks, I found myself as my chapter N’siah during the second semester of my sophomore year. I was more than ready for it, and I am extremely proud of everything I brought to the position, but once the term ended, I felt lost. I ran for council board as a way to try and find a new place to channel my passion for BBYO, but after losing my election, I realized I never even wanted it in the first place. I just didn’t want to be forced to face the fact that I had two years left ahead of me in BBYO and nothing to do with them.

Obviously, that isn’t true. I know now that I still have so much to offer my chapter, even without an official position. But it took me a while to realize that.

Some health problems in the following months didn’t make things easier. I was missing programs because I was constantly sick, or when I was healthier, I was just busy. I was feeling an intense disconnect from BBYO, but an overwhelming desire to have that connection back. I wish I could say I found a magical solution and I don’t struggle with that anymore, but that wouldn’t be true. Going from leading a chapter back to being a general member is hard, but I’m working through it. Now that I’m no longer defined by a position, I’m finding my own ways to lead and soaking in my last year with my amazing senior friends. I’m embracing my role as Madricha and offering my advice to our current N’siah when she asks for it. I’m forming new bonds with younger members. I even branched out beyond my chapter and applied to steer a shabbat at IC, a step I never would’ve taken in the past. I’m working every day to rediscover my passion for BBYO and for my chapter and make sure that I never let it go.